It was the first time I was to do a Facebook Live, for my blogger friend Earth, and I didn’t know what to expect. I wasn’t so worried though because the topic was something very close to my heart, menopause.

Ah, menopause, that dreaded phase in a woman’s life marked by moods swinging, temperatures rising, and nether regions drying up.

Here’s what the Harvard Medical School says, “Menopause marks the end of a woman’s menstrual periods. A woman has officially gone through menopause when it has been one year since her last period. In the months to years before menopause—a time called perimenopause—the production of hormones that regulate the menstrual cycle changes.”

What it doesn’t say is exactly how long perimenopause lasts because, guys, it seems like I’ve been here forever!

My girlfriends started talking about menopause way before I experienced any of the symptoms. I thought that I already knew a lot just by listening to them. As it turns out, you are never really prepared for when your hormones go dipping.

The hot flashes? They are real, my ladies. A couple of years ago, I started having these episodes where I’d feel so, so, so hot! And not horny hot, okay, but feverish hot! It was hell. I remember one particular summer where I stripped down to my undies and had a fan on full blast pointed down there. It was hilarious!

What’s not so hilarious is that you sometimes forget you’re in this phase and you mistake your premenopausal symptoms for something else. About two months ago, I felt feverish and started to worry. Do I have a fever? Is my throat itchy? I don’t have a cough. How could I have a fever when my routine has remained the same? I took paracetamol even though I wasn’t running a fever. It took quite some time for me to get to sleep because I felt hot. The next day, around the same time, I started experiencing the same thing again, and thought, “Oh, this must be a hot flash.” So I turned on the airconditioning, practiced my breathing exercises, and yes, I was able to sleep fine. WTF, right?

Speaking of sleep, there were those few weeks or so when I just could not nod off to dreamland. And this is major, I tell you. If you really know me, then you’d know that sleep has never been my problem. I could sleep anywhere. I think that’s how I survived for a couple of years being a travel editor. I could sleep on the plane, on a moving car, a tricycle. Anywhere! I could even sleep sitting down on a chair in the Intensive Care Unit while mom had all sorts of tubes stuck to her.

When I found myself not being able to sleep, I got all stressed out. This was unexplored territory, the land of the un-sleep. It went on for a couple of weeks, this sleeping, waking, and sleeping off again until I installed a couple of meditation and sleep apps. It was a slow process, but I finally got the hang of things, and was soon sleeping soundly again.

Mood swings? Check! As my hormones went this way and that, my emotions also went haywire. It was weird. I found myself crying at the littlest of things. A line from a song, a paragraph from a book, a scene from a movie, a cheesy commercial — all these would turn my eyes watery, and before long I’d be crying like a madwoman.

Was I also irritable? You’re better off asking my kids that, but yes, I was. It helped that I had very understanding, even-tempered children, and a partner who always told me how awesome I was even on my worst days.

When my father passed away, I was overwhelmed. Grief and hormones? Not a pretty combo, I tell you. I twice attempted running away, first to the islands and next to the mountains, but no dice. I was still left with my grief and my hormones. Making things even more interesting is that I would be diagnosed with hypertension a couple of months later! Mwahahahahaha Just another day in the life of an old fart.

But more than these physical episodes, what makes this stage more interesting/overwhelming/traumatic is the realization of my own mortality. Sometime, someday, I will be like dust in the wind, and the spectre is all too real. It’s a thought that grows at the back of your mind with every news of a friend passing or a loved one falling ill.

Menopause is huge because the changes you’ll be experiencing are not just physical, they are also psychological, mental, spiritual, and yes, existential. I cannot be what I once was. I cannot do what I once did. I am transforming into something that I am not so very familiar with, and I am scared. Will I like this new me? Will I still be me? I sure hope so!

As for the nether regions, more on that on the next post. Until then, stay safe, stay sane! 😉